Finding Myself?

So I want to write something but I don't know exactly how to write it. Some of the blogs I read are just so eloquent and the way they put things I can totally relate to and understand everything they're saying. I envy them for being able to put down their thoughts so well. So I'm going to try my best and this is probably more for my benifit than any other's.


Do you moms out there just sometimes feel yourself slipping away? Day after day your the mom and the wife and you forget to be you. Let me clarify, I am a mom and a wife and will always be and I love it and never would trade it, but I'm also my own individual person...or at least I was before I had kids. After I had Blake I had some slight depression and it was very hard for me to have an independent thought. I could only think of the tasks at hand and that always had to do with the kids, housework, etc. I couldn't focus on anything beyond that. I realilzed this the most when my mom came to visit and offered to stay with the kids while I did anything that I wanted to. I went to the mall and the whole time I thought of the kids. I couldn't enjoy being alone with myself. At the time I felt that they defined everything that I was. I thought to myself, "Is it always going to be this way? Will I ever be that person I was before?" I came home not feeling refreshed but saddened by my discovery and feelings.


Luckily, it got better. A fog was lifted from my mind and I was able to see things clearer. I started doing things for myself. I remembered what I enjoyed doing and tried to do them when possible. About a year later I went to that same mall by myself and I loved the time with just me. I was so giddy to get out and walk as fast or slow as I wanted to, look at the thing I wanted to without hearing any whining. I passed a mother pushing her two young children in a stroller and at that moment was so glad it wasn't me. I was getting a tiny break and enjoying it.


I've had another baby and thankfully none of the depression this time. But it's been almost four months and I've had no break. No time to do something for myself. Partly, this is my fault. Even though she's my third I'm still reluctant to leave her with someone who isn't family. I feel myself slipping away...I'm starting to crack and become cranky with my kids over them just being and doing kid things. I love my husband to death but he just doesn't get it. I talk to him about needing a break and he brings up that his mom never got a break. I respond by saying that doesn't mean she didn't need or want one.


I know I will find myself again. I just wonder when.